Ever feel like a bad Mom? I have...I do.
Let me catch you up a little. I've always had very mild versions of anxiety attacks. Not enough to affect my everyday life. If I ever felt anxious at all, all it would take was leaving the room for a couple of minutes and taking a few long, deep breaths.
After Easton was born, my anxiety got worse, a lot worse. And with it came ridiculous insomnia. Now it is to the point where it is affecting my everyday life, bad.
Because of our 2-month trip away from home, I ended up not getting my 6-week check up until also 3 months post-partum. Last week I discussed my insomnia and extreme anxiety with my doctor and he decided that it would be best to test my thyroid.
So they sucked my blood and off I went.
2 days (and 2 calls to the doctors office) later, I got my test results back...my thyroid was fine...good news, however this meant that I was having actually full-on anxiety attacks...bad news, and I would need to see a Psychologist to be treated...even worse news.
I was a Psych major in college. I know the questions they're going to ask. I know that they're going to make sure that I'm not a risk to myself or my child, which I'm not.
I KNOW that it's anxiety and that I need to be treated for it, and up until tonight I was still hesitant about going to see a Psychologist for help. Up until I started having an anxiety attack while giving Easton his last bottle of the night.
I felt it coming while I was giving Easton a bath, but I tried to shrug it off because there was absolutely no reason for me to be having one. I wasn't stressed or anxious about giving him a bath. I do it every single night. It's our special time together. It's our routine.
The anxious feeling gradually got worse and worse while I was putting his lotion and jammies on, and by the time I was giving him his bottle it was full force.
This is when I thought to myself, "Stevie, you HAVE to get this fixed because you can't continue to live like this."
For a split second, I resented my son. I resented him and I resented my husband.
They didn't do anything wrong...at all.
At this point, I began to sob quietly in the hopes that Chris wouldn't hear me.
Easton finished his bottle, so I rocked him to sleep and laid him down in his crib for the night.
Now I sit here asking myself over and over again in my head..."Am I a bad Mom?"
First of all, NO, you are NOT a bad mom at all!!! I too, have struggled with anxiety/panic attacks since I had my first baby (who is now 11 years old)...I have tried a few things. Paxil works wonderful, but I gained 5-10 pounds and it affects your sex drive. After my daughter's birth (almost 1 year ago), the panic attacks started again. Now, I'm taking Xanax (Alprazolam) as needed. Sometimes just knowing that you have something if you need it helps. Being a wife and mother can be overwhelming. Your hormones are probably still trying to get back to "normal" after being pregnant. You'll be fine, trust me. I have a LOT of experience with this, so if you need to talk privately, please feel free to email me. Hang in there, it gets easier! You're a wonderful Mom and Wife, I'm sure!!!
ReplyDeleteNope, you're not a bad mom.
ReplyDeleteAnd here is another thought. In grad school, (my Masters is in counseling psych)a professor once told us that it is hypocritcal if we decide to study and practice psychology without actually believing in in enough to let it also work for us. So I'm passing that on to you. Not calling you a hypocrite by any means, but just saying that if you studied it, you know that it is not bad when someone needs help! :)
Of course not, Little. You are a fantastic mom, and I can say that, because I've seen it first hand. Just take care of yourself. I know you put so much energy into taking care of Chris and Easton, but you owe it to yourself (and them) to take care of yourself too. You are so strong, and you have the biggest heart of anybody I know. It's okay if you need help...that doesn't make you weak. I love you and I'm thinking about you :)
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